Published April 13, 2006
Suburbia
A storm is coming
Skittled rocks on river pavement
In a mesh of bloodshed hair
Tongues secured in thin glass windows
The blooming blossoms, yielding pears
Blown in cancer New Jersey air
The days will ripen without sunshine
Fairies buried before their tales
They'll lie beneath our sidewalk fancies
Fantasies adrift in roaring gales
We'll never dream a dream to fail
I fear the smell of gaseous tires
Spritzed amongst a pine tree's bark
The faces, ashen in the din
Point blank, so gruesome and so stark
Thrown out, children cawing with the lark
I've warned them of the mystic branches
The clouds where ultimatums hide
There's magic swarmed beneath their footsteps
The darkness writhes and it decides
Our fate belongs to blacker tides
Hurry home, beaten children to your broken lives
The storm's on the horizon and it's throttled into drive
Faces turned to acid rain, whispering overcast goodbyes
A goodnight for you epic lies
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Hey, nice job! The rhyming scheme jolted me a little, at least with that fifth line added in there, but overall the poem was very well done and flowed very nicely. There's just some people who can find the right words for things, and you're definitely one of them!
Keep writing!
Mary
I really liked this! Right from the beginning, you hooked me in with those two lines, which also set the tone nicely for the rest of the poem, by the way. And I don't think you should punctuate ALL of it, but a little more hear and there wouldn't hurt.
"A goodnight for you epic lies"
I think this should either be "your epic lies" or "you, epic lies"
I liked the poem. The only thing i see wrong is you didn't use any punctuation. Rhyming poems aren't really my thing but i think you did really well on it. My favorite part was:
The days will ripen without sunshine
Fairies buried before their tales
They'll lie beneath our sidewalk fancies
Fantasies adrift in roaring gales
We'll never dream a dream to fail